mypurplekitchen

2004-08-10T00:00:00.000+01:00

im sorry..... i had to blog about this.

watching the news, inbetween stories about how the price of crude oil has gone through the roof due to "instability in iraq"......mmm i wonder how that happened, and 4 "brave english rowers" nearly getting killed by a big wave ( whats next, the war against big wave things???). there was a piece on how the 4th most likely thing to kill africans is smoke from cooking in their houses...NEWSFLASH... being blindingly poor is bad for your health, and the cure for this is not to free them from their evil governments, or their crippling debt to UK & US banks, it is an easily fitted ventilation device (a big fucking hole in the roof)... if only all of the evils of the world were so easily fixed. just for your information the top 3 dangers are listed below.

3 - being killed by your own "army", a bunch of psychotic killers trained and armed to the teeth by the West.

2- being killed by the US and UK army, a bunch of psychotic killers trained and armed to the teeth by the West ( sorry humanitarian peacekeepers.......armed to the teeth by the West).

1 - Terrorism - being killed by anyone who we dont agree with.........trained and armed to the teeth by the West.

If only we could find some sort of pattern here, we could help these poor people.

cynical ???? next thing you'll tell me Saint Tony has given Mandelson another cushy......oh dear

2004-07-26T19:35:00.000+01:00

shizzle my nizzle................................mmmmmm

its been awhile but ive got the urge to blog.

been looking back on my old posts and i had to laugh, apparently the intelligence we went to war on was "flawed". Now this came from the country where you can sue a company if they dont actually tell you in big letters that their product should not be forcably rammed into your rectum whilst dancing naked round a campfire. However thats ok because no-one was actually to blame, we just all somehow came to the opinion that Iraq should be invaded. Why is this?? because the people hired to investigate any "wrongdoing" are either senile old judges or fuckwits who are in the politicians pocket. Imagine how you would feel if you went to court cause you'd been robbed only to face a jury of burberry clad chav bastards who were all related to the accused........ Not Good

I notice that now the US election is hotting up we haven't heard the name Osama bin laden for weeks, funny that, its like he isn't really newsworthy anymore, its almost as if our countries media is controlled by enormously powerful men whose main interest is in maintaning the status quo......oh yeah it is. silly me

I also notice Iraq isn't in the news much either, just small pieces on Americans getting blown up or the odd wedding party being vaporised because they looked a bit "dodgy". again, people dying in the new "democratic" iraq isnt worth putting on the news, so its a bit like the old proverb.... does a child dying in a RPG attack still die if it isn't shown on the news at ten ??? i would guess the answer is no, at least according to Saint Tony.

It makes you wonder about lots of things, when all you saw on telly was Iraq and death you felt that things were really bad in Iraq, now you probably think things have calmed down. When terrorism wasnt the only thing on the news you felt safe, now you dont. Is how you are made to feel any relation to the real situation ???. I would imagine that in the last 5 years fewer people died in the UK due to terrorism than in the previous 5 ( if im wrong i bet its not by much). Yet people are now shit-scared of terrorists.

I understand that there is a risk of a 9-11 type attack in the UK, but i dont think bombing 10 shades of shit out of other countries will make that risk smaller, and it is small, you are much more likely to be killed in a car crash, be killed by your partner.....probably by your hamster than you are to be by terrorists so why the big deal.???

If a small asteroid hits the earth we will all die.... now that is something much scarier, the total destruction of the human race, does it worry you....no? why not. because the Government cant use it as an excuse to strip you of your civil liberties, " you want me to carry an id card because an asteroid might hit the earth........fuck off"

The media is not unbiased, you have to question everything you see and hear, and ask yourself what you aren't seeing and hearing.

I'd just like to point out i did not join the Michigan State Militia in the last few months, im just in need of a good rant.

2004-03-31T23:39:00.000+01:00

I was sat, cringing as I watched yet more reporting of "Al Qeida Inspired" possible planning of maybe terrorist type activities, when I thought to myself - hang on what was the last real terrorist attack in the UK not related to those fine upstanding members of Democracy - Sinn Fein?????. I don't know - amazing really since all you ever hear about are these attacks - so I went to my trusty Google Search and started looking. I got side tracked, and no it wasn't a "left handed" site, it was a site about the thing that started all of this... 9/11, now im not too sure about all the theories regarding switching planes and demolition charges in the twin towers, but two things caught my eye.. the heroic passenger mutiny that brought down the one in Pennsylvania, and the Pentagon crash.

The Pennsylvania one is obvious bollocks, I don't know anyone who really believes it crashed, after tearing off one of its engines in mid-air, and that the hijackers let everyone " phone a friend" -ps, quite a lot of evidence that these calls would be very difficult/almost impossible to do -also no-one actually spoke to their loved ones, it was all via someone else. It was shot down - now the fact the Govt doesn't want to admit this is underhand, but basically understandable.

The Pentagon crash is the wierdest by far, having been more or less under the flight path of the Lockerbie crash and about 50 miles south of the Scottish border that night I feel quite "connected" to it, and so I remember quite vividly the damage that it caused on the ground, especially the enormous gouge where several houses used to be, now when I saw the first photos of the Pentagon crash I have to admit I thought id looked at the wrong image, the hole was smaller than a plane, and there was no wreckage of the plane, the ground up to the building was almost pristine, there was no footage of the crash (if I take a piss in sainsburys doorway on a saturday night im sure to be caught on CCTV, but I can apparently crash a Boeing into the Pentagon safe in the knowledge that I'll do it anonymously). So was it a plane?, id have to say no.

So what do we end up with??, the US Govt lying about 9/11 and then starting a war over it, The US and UK Govts then manipulating Iraq into the frame and lying to start another war, and all of us paranoid about terrorism and WMD, when in actual fact we are probably safer in the UK than ever before, since the IRA has stoppped regularly blowing people up.

Governments need a reason to grow and thrive, nothing better than an enemy to focus us all on while they pick our pockets, since the end of the Cold War, no enemy, pressure to reduce armed forces, protect privacy and Civil Rights, reduce the size and remit of government. Then 9/11 and we all say "please protect us from the nasty terrorists....of course you need to tap our phones, make us carry ID cards, read our emails (if you are reading this, hello!!)"

Try looking at these links.

http://physics911.org/net/modules/mylinks/visit.php?cid=8&lid=24

http://physics911.org/net/modules/wfsection/article.php?articleid=11

Makes you think

Steve.

2004-03-24T23:27:00.000Z

EU slams UK over sellafield..... http://uk.news.yahoo.com/040324/325/epf6a.html

for failing to fully account for plutonium in sellafield's B30 building.

what people fail to grasp is the original sellafield site was built with one goal in mind, to produce enough fissile material to produce a nuclear deterrant ,thats it nothing else, therefore, long term safety and accountability was not really an issue ,so if some EU inspectors want to go into B30 (known on site as dirty thirty) fair do's to them- i just hope they dont have any pressing needs to live much longer - a bit like doing a paperclip count in chernobyl- worried someone might steal some plutonium?? check out the person whose teeth and hair are falling out !!!

how about keeping tabs on the thousands of fully constructed and mobile nuclear weapons that the largely BANKRUPT and CORRUPT soviet bloc military has in thier possession.

A Major in the Ukraininan Army probably earns less than the person who served you in McDonalds, Yet he will control a stockpile of Weapons of Mass Destruction that would make a terrorist cream his shorts.

But then again you dont win elections by making people feel safe, you win by making people feel scared then selling yourself as the only person who can take on "the bad guys".

When i first saw "Dr Strangelove" i thought it was funny, now im not so sure, correct me if im wrong but Blair is definately Group Captain Mandrake and as for Bush............................POE purity of essense...........

2004-03-17T00:39:00.000Z

Any brave, or misguided, soul who has trawled through a number of my posts will know I do like a rant, I think a lot of this stems from having to be polite to chavs and numptys all day. However I have noticed a worrying increase in my outbursts, and feel I have found the reason....Al Qaida, yes that's right, the loose collection of nutters and fanatics that the "free world" loves to hate, are causing me stress.

How??, well this is how, I have taken to counting the number of times the phrase Al Qaida (AQ from now on) is mentioned on the television, in a period of 5 mins yesterday 5 times, and that was just during the weather report!!!
- "Tuesday - A fine start to the day, but clouding over by lunchtime, officials state that at this time no link with AQ is evident, but a Morrocan man in custody once met Micheal Fish at a party"

I have found watching the news now involves shouting at the screen as Blairs cronies make links between Iraq, AQ, Osama and Irritable Bowel Syndrome by simply saying the words in the same sentence....Madrid....AQ....Iraq.....9-11....AQ....Madrid.... They have clued up to the fact that making bare-faced lies can be risky so they don't actually say anything coherent anymore, some of our Government's statements on AQ would make George Bush wince.

Example - This country is safer since the Iraq War (Monday)
- It is inconceivable that the UK will not suffer a Madrid-type attack (Tuesday)

And the press...........Hello........Investigative journalism?????......no ok

The new danger is apparently letting the terrorists "win" by voting out Blair, that's right Tony we all hate you because the bombers want us to, not because you are a lying two faced weasely, smug, lying(again), self interested, shithead who lies (see how this repetition thing works) all the time.

Oh and would someone planning a massive civilian bombing murder campaign leave a van with detonators strewn over the dash and verses from the Koran where it could be found before the attacks???, no I don't think so either. Coincidence - my arse...

2004-03-14T17:56:00.000Z

4-1
4-1
4-1
4-1
4-1

to any reds out there, better luck next season, (won't miss beckham my arse)

2004-03-08T22:27:00.000Z

Thinking of overthrowing the Government of an unstable middle east country???? - Sounds good, but STOP........ Think things through, you don't want the COALITION OF THE WILLING bombing your downtrodden civilians into the dirt - that's your job.......................................................................... You need the GUIDE TO A MODERN DEMOCRACY - by BUSH and blair - available from any state controlled Media outlet (that's all of them) prices at only 1UN vote, or 1 supply of crude oil or even your eternal soul.

Learn from the experts how to strip your civilians of their basic human rights in the name of FREEDOM, how to condemn your enemies whilst praising your allies for doing the EXACT SAME THING. Chapters include,

1) OSAMA BIN who?????? - How to train, promote, aid, supply, support, and fund a heroic freedom fighter then blame the evils of the world on him AND GET AWAY WITH IT

2) OUR ALLIES THE SAUDIS - How to wage war on religious fanatics who use oil as a weapon against us and seriously curtail the human rights of their people - and STILL SUCK UP TO THE SAUDI "ROYAL" FAMILY, a bit like slagging off Ian Huntley while looking through some gardening and home improvement photos with Fred West.

3) ILLEGAL COMBATANTS - An introduction into the advanced module on kidnapping hundreds of people then holding them on a leper colony in the middle of nowhere to avoid International Law- While waging an illegal war because your enemy avoided International Law.

4) LOVELY PLUMAGE - Refusing to acknowledge that you are in the wrong, even when faced with absolute proof - how to argue over the meaning of the phrase "yes I did it, it was me I made it all up there aren't any WMDs" - picture the Parrot Sketch and substitute Blair for Palin, the BBC for Cleese and Iraq as the parrot.

5) FEAR EVERYTHING - how to us sleight of hand and word to focus attention on a figurehead or shadowy organisation while you fuck the people - Hitler may have been a bit wayward on his politics, but he knew how to play a mob - You just know who Mandelsons childhood hero was.

6) YOU'RE ONLY AS GOOD AS YOUR LAST WAR - How to avoid the trap of the Mid-term war, always be thinking one step ahead, a good "Democratic" leader should be thinking at least two wars ahead, don't want to get caught short on election day without a "support our boys in Iraq, Afghanistan, Kuwait... B&Q" to ensure another 4 years of power.

So rush out and buy a copy today, go on, be the best dictator you can be. (foreword by CEOs of Monsanto and Halliburton).

Comments???

2004-03-03T20:17:00.000Z

Its cold, wet and grey, no not my dogs nose (its not grey, as I don't actually have a dog) the weather I mean. This means it is a perfect time to think of holidays in far away places. I have a mate who lives in New York, and having already been there once (it is amazing), I am seriously considering going again. BUT I've heard I may now need some sort of visa, as the USA has decided that given its war against terror that the world is a much more dangerous place ( bit of an aside, but in any other situation in life if you took a course of action in order to make something better, but actually made it much worse, would you proudly declare that your actions worked??????? )...Since coming into power we have targeted drug abuse as our number one priority, and now you cant move for junkies, thanks to our policies.......Vote for me (don't think so)...weightwatchers new pizza diet, 9 out of 10 dieters report gaining over 7 lbs in only 2 weeks!!!!!....

So I assumed that I would have to fill in a form or two, even go to a passport office, but no, I need to contact the US embassy and complete forms including a payment of 65 quid PER PERSON!!!!!!!- most countries spend millions trying to encourage tourists- the Americans say bollocks, we don't need you, infact we'll make it difficult and expensive for you to come here. You can imagine the advert, rolling waves, fantastic beaches, fabulous nightlife ,and then the voice over "travel to a holiday paradise - go to ibiza -cause we don't fucking want you............paid for by the american xenophobic society".

How different the situation here, "travel to a spongers paradise - come to the uk - because we're to fucking spineless to say no to anyone". They are even talking about getting tough.. people who get denied access to the UK (rather than just disappearing) and refuse to leave, well we might not give them free money !!!!!!! - fuck me that's tough talk, a bit like saying to bank robbers that we won't call them a taxi after they have robbed the place.

Now I know there are people who are genuinely fleeing persecution, its just strange that they flee all the way through mainland Europe and to the UK. Human nature says that if you stay in Germany or France and get treated like shit, and can come to the UK, probably still get treated like shit,but get free money and housing, where do you go????, tough one that.......

2004-02-29T23:19:00.000Z

Been away for a while - OK I have been playing Star Wars Galaxies -OK ive been obsessively playing Star Wars Galaxies. I think socialologists are missing out on a wonderful chance of observing human behavior if they don't get involved in these MMRPGs (Massively Multiplayer role player games).

I found it very wierd at first, knowing that I was playing a game, but also interacting with other nerds, (sorry, people) and the way people's behavior changes over time in this new environment is fascinating. When you first start, you are very polite and nice and there are even virtual Samaritan called helpers who answer questions for you. Then things start to change, people start being more aggressive, and unpleasant ,I remember the first time I saw people arguing and getting macho, and finally people start reverting to type, believe it or not people actually beg in the game !!!!!, that's right virtual chavs (or cyberchavs) have started popping up everywhere. all they need is a mangy dog with a bandana round its neck and bingo, reality. If you get the opportunoity they are quite good fun, but beware, very, very time consuming.

Shock, Horror, we bug the UN !!!, next thing you'll be saying we went to war on false....Oh yeah we did, ok next you'll be saying the Government lies to us all the time..... three out of three. I think its not the fact that we would do something as underhanded as this that is the problem, I think the problem is people like myself who always assumed that the government was relatively truthfully and believed what I read and saw in the press are now cynical and jaded, I don't believe a word that comes out of blairs mouth anymore, at least I always assumed that bush lied all the time, but to find out that our prime minister does, my god, we invented cricket, surely this can't be so.....

Anyway ive got an early start tomorrow so ill foxtrot-oscar, one last thing, people riding round in trucks with automatic weapons and trying to overthrow the democratically elected government in Haiti - They are REBELS. People running around with petrol bombs and explosives attempting to end the UN condemned occupation of their country - They are called TERRORISTS........mmmmm how does that work ?????

2004-02-01T19:14:00.000Z

my pc has been infected with little satanic gremlins intent on making me hurl myself out of the window..........

have finally got it sort of working, but due to apathy and spud pie am too knacked to post, laters

steve

2004-01-26T00:28:00.000Z

Diet update .....oops, weekend of curry and champagne/vodka bingeing with a spectacular sunday lunch has had its toll, oh well start again monday.

I've often thought about the phrase " a moment of clarity", you see im quite a confused young chap at the moment, I got through my 30th birthday with out any major crisis, now im approaching 32 and I find myself evaluating certain things in my life, my relationships, my work and my state of mind. Im not going to get too into these things but im on a range of very unhappy to not very happy on all three. So to return to the start, how do I spot a moment of clarity when it wanders by??, will it be so blindingly obvious I'll go "oh that's one there, smart, ill just change my life for the better", or will it be more subtle??

Im in the position that I really don't enjoy my job, and cannot see it getting that much better (infact I suspect it will deteriorate), now I don't need to earn an enormous amount of dosh (fucking good job really) as I have limited commitments, but I find it difficult to put this situation into a framework where I can make a decision if I need to change my job. This is made all the more difficult by the fact that I am quite passive and will let things drift along until I am forced to make a decision. So what I think im saying is, is a moment of clarity another way of saying I want the decision made for me, a soft-arse way out of having to choose?
I would also like to say that my state of mind was not at all improved by ManCity's performance today, and in the exceedingly unlikely chance that Jon Macken is reading this, PASS THE FUCKING BALL TO ANELKA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
Enough of this, im off to bed, you never know tomorrow might bring a pleasant surprise !!!

Love, Peace and Happy Thoughts

Steve

2004-01-22T23:31:00.000Z

Went out for Sunday lunch last weekend, nice country pub, open fire and good honest roast lunch, very nice cheesecake for desert as well. two things spring to mind about the experience.

Modern Clergy : there were a gaggle of pious, clean shaven, the world is a gift from god type people in the pub, all so sincere and polite, but I bet there was at least one who ties the wife up or gets her to spank him and call him susan. I swear one of them kept starting to sing, so we of course tried our best to annoy them, great fun between courses.

Stupid fucking poncey restaurant menus : in the pub I ordered roast pork with various bits and bobs, it was luvely, the owners did not feel the need to describe in verbose picturesque language the meal I was about to consume. For example the mash had some cabbage mixed in and black pepper, but it was called mash, not a subtle melage of deconstructed potato with a seam of crisp savoy cabbage finished with a twist of cracked black peppercorn.
Now I have nothing against good food, I once paid about 150 quid for a meal at Rick Stein's restaurant, and it was fucking brilliant, but I didn't need to take a thesaurus with me to translate the fucking menu. It all started getting too much when my old local started using the word "coulis" on its lunch menu, I mean this is a place where locals go, get pissed and watch sports, why do we need coulis, sauce works just fine for me.

So lay down a challenge, what are the most obscure descriptions or phrases you have seen on a menu??? here are my top three

A Nage of Salmon on a bed of wild rice - I have no idea what this is

Wild Raspberry Torte with a sour cream basque - flan with cream

A Fan of cantaloupe with a basket of wild berries in a sharp Strawberry Coulis - Fruit with some juice on it.

I blame that Silly Bint on the Telly who sniffs wine and goes on about powerful grapefruit zinging up her nose, by the way she goes on I bet thats not all that been zinging up her nose.

Ive just spellchecked this and it changed coulis to colic - how appropriate

Laters

Steve

2004-01-19T20:33:00.000Z

Diet update. Have managed to drop about 6lbs so far, a combination of reducing my intake of calories to about 1700 - 2000 a day and putting in 30 minutes 5 times a week on the infernal exercise bike from hell. Now this brings me to one of my pet hates, diet products that promise weight loss without any effort,exercise or actually eating less, now call me unenlightened, anything that actually does that is not likely to be that good for you. I have sugar cravings during the day and am hungry for reasonably long periods of time, I am by nature a snacker, so I now have a fridge full of apples and carrots so I can have a snack that is good for me. I do have a fairly good supply of willpower, the one thing that all these products and pills can't give you, the ability to say no when you really mean yes, oh god yes.

I see in the news that the number of American dead in Iraq is now over 500, funny, I dont remember seeing a similar reporting of the number of children who have died since sanctions were applied to Iraq in 1991, but the US is in this for the long run, that is until the elections get a bit closer and the Iraq problem needs to "go away", if the people in Iraq are unhappy now, imagine how pissed they would be if they realised that their future was based around one good old boy keeping his job for another 4 years. The world is a scary place, it takes politicians to make it really fucked up.

Diet update continued - I still can't resist pie though, I've not got THAT much willpower.

Peace, Democracy and a cheese and onion pie......Steve

2004-01-15T21:12:00.000Z

ive just read a book called "captive state" by George Monbiot, fascinating. It raises issues regarding corporate power and its effects on government policy. My point today is based around the use of genetically modified hormones in dairy cattle. An American pharma company has managed to lobby the US and Canada into clearing a modified hormone (which stimulates cows into producing more milk) even though the safety case is far from clear. However it has managed to prevent retailers from labeling milk in such a way that consumers know if this hormone is present or not.

Sounds bad, well it gets worse, the hormone works in such a way that it increases the level of certain types of other hormones in the milk, hormones that are identical to Human hormones, and these group of hormones are the same ones that the best available anti-cancer drug Tamoxifen seeks to remove. All this for profit, well, never happen in the UK, right?, WRONG.

A number of years ago, Professor Plant, who had been diagnosed with cancer a total of four times, took a radical and brave step, despite being given only a few months left to live, she refused medical treatment and instead changed her diet to dairy free. She survived, her cancer went into remission . Buoyed by this she managed to get together a group of thirty or so other women all with advanced breast cancer and convinced them to do the same, a few years later only two or three had died as a result of their cancer, and they had quit and changed their diet back.
Cancer rates vary enormously from place to place. The incidence of breast cancer in cultures who consume fewer dairy products is much lower, and the incidence in Chinese women in Hong Kong, a westernised culture is much higher than those in mainland China, tending to point to factors other than genetics.

So what you have is a small study, that would appear to point to some sort of link between Dairy produce and breast cancer, and some fairly good circumstantial evidence about incidence of cancer in different groups that have very different diets.

If a drug had been produced that even hinted at this sort of result it would be hailed as a breakthrough, a possible cure for cancer and the company producing it would be incredibly rich, but it isn't a drug, its a whole industry, the basis of our diets in many cases, so nothing happens, shut up, drink your milk and die like a good consumer. It is much more important that we have stability and good stock market performance than it is that we might be able to stop some people dying.

Not convinced?, the lady is called Professor Jane Plant, she has a book called "Your life in their hands", and as for data on incidence rates, hell you're on the internet right now, surf.

Not interested? thats your choice.

A bit preachy I know, but I don't think this blog is just for making fun of my customers and telling jokes.

Steve

2004-01-08T18:50:00.000Z

Not a bad day today, then again I had the customer from hell yesterday, and in any other type of employment I would have been able to pull his stupid fucking head off and use it to fuck him up the arse, instead I had to smile and apologise for not being able to jump backwards through hoops for him......cunt.

today was much better, nice customers, only about half a dozen pointless emails from retards wanting information that is readily available to them, but get a kick from getting other people to get it for them. I have come to the conclusion that there is some other-worldly method of assessment that is used to find these obvious dullards and then promote them to the point where they can't TOTALLY fuck everything up, but not far from it.

So I have come up with a list of abilities, lets call them Key Performance Indicators (KPI) or Core Role competencies (CRC), you see its no longer being good at your job that counts its scoring points in tests designed by pricks with a 2(ii) in Human Resource Management from the University of Central North-East Derbyshire (previously Repton Community College).

1) Be able to converse on different levels to people of different backgrounds, but still be able to slip in phrases like "synergy", "buy-in", "win-win situation" and of course always use the phrase "we" when you have no fucking intention of doing any work whatsoever. "Brian, I've really bought in to the synergy of this win-win situation and would like to take onboard your proposal and lets run with it"....."Yes Sir, so you would like to max-size your meal for only 20 pence, excellent, what drink would you like????"

2) Kiss da bootie - lets face it apart from fucking da bootie, this is one of the best career progression tools around. Think of your workmates, you will know at least one incredible kiss-ass, and they are probably more senior than you.............

3) Be mind numbingly optimistic - "being negative" is seen as the worst thing (possibly apart from child abuse) you can do, even when faced with overwhelming signs of defeat remain annoyingly chipper and happy. You can bet there was at least one young officer serving under General Custer who was "building his team members up and getting positive buy-in" right up to point his bollocks were tomahawked.

4) Never actually do any work, this might sound stupid, but if you are busy working, how can you respond promptly to the requests of the morons above you, and thus earn their respect and promotions beyond your wildest dreams. I swear to God, I now have a file at work with an index of all my files, which I need to audit on a monthly basis, my file-file so to speak.

5) Don't be TOO good at anything, the managers above you don't want people making them look bad, so to promote an able and well adjusted member of the team will provide them with competition and might mean they have to do some work, better to promote someone who barely understands the job title, safe in the knowledge they will make you look like Stephen Hawkins.

There you go, the shortcuts to success laid bare for you.

Ciao, Steve

2004-01-05T23:10:00.000Z

Oh my god I'm enormous......no not like that, although on second thoughts yes, like that as well.

I got on a set of scales (bad idea), I actually looked at my weight (ohmygod).
I am now getting worryingly close to the Johnny Vegas end of the scale, with Peter Andre a mere suntanned blip in the distance. That right folks its diet time.

In order for me to lose weight I need to overcome these basic problems

1) I no longer smoke, great for my lungs, not so good for my belly, it would appear I have simply swapped massive stroke for lung cancer.

2) my job is fairly stressful and I have to deal with twats on a frequent basis, a snickers bar is the least I deserve after explaining to a customer that it doesn't matter if she thought she'd paid us the money back, she still has to give us it "again".

3) my neighbours wife Tracey cooks luverly food, and takes great pleasure in getting me to eat it ESPECIALLY if im on a diet.

4) I fucking love pies.

So with this in mind I have decided to reduce the size of my meals so that I no longer thing im having a heart attack at the end of most meals. Use my new infernal exercise bike/clothes dryer 5 times a week and eat fewer pies.

I will provide regular updates on my success/ lack of success/ vicious moodswings

ps. im not joking about the pies, if anyone owns shares in porkfarms or pukka pies, dump them, they are going up shit creek.

Peace, Happiness and Slimma-soup, Steve

2004-01-03T18:57:00.000Z

I have just done something i said i never would.......

i paid over 100 quid for a vacuum cleaner, yes i am a proud owner of a new dyson, didnt go too mad as i got the cheapest model, yes i know it hasn't got the special primate grooming brush or the quantum drive cyclonic fluff cannon, but it does what i want it to do, it sucks.

this leads me to Argos, no i didnt buy it from there but i did buy some bathroom scales there, and everytime i go in it is like stepping through the looking glass.

1) Surly staff - yes i can imagine it is shit working there but so is my job at times, and yet i can manage to avoid grunting at customers.

2) Thousands of breathtakingly ugly children, its like chernobyl in there, but bless them, to make for this, their Genius parent(s) name them Darryl, Tegan, Britney or Shakira.

3) Seats to wait for them to call out your number - are they used, of course not everyone crowds around the "Collection Points", thus making it impossible for you to get your purchase or get out of the store with it.

4) Shitty little pens to write down your order number - the company is saying "we know you are all a bunch of theiving gypos so we are providing the cheapest pens in existence".

A thoroughly fulfilling shopping experience.

Im now off for a ruby murray with my neighbours......mmmmmmmmm curry.

2004-01-02T23:45:00.000Z

See if you can see where im going with this.........

a few months ago someone stole the back wheels off my car, now I drive a 4 year old ford fiesta and it cost me 120 quid for two new wheels and tyres, so god only knows why they did this but these things happen. I realise that someone did this to me but I accept that sometimes bad things happen and I don't tend to park in the same place anymore. I was quite annoyed but I have moved on.

a few months ago someone stole the back wheels off my car, they had no right to do this, I have a right to protect my property and gods knows I will use that right. I noticed one of my neighbours had a similar car and his back wheels looked a bit like mine, I also one caught him nearly looking up at my window and I have all sorts of stealable items there too. It was only a matter of time until someone stole something else from me, in the interests of my safety I decided to protect myself (and my other neighbours) so I bought a gun and killed my neighbour.
It was only then that I realised the extent of the problem, other members of his family were enraged by this and threatened me, I had no choice but to kill them all as well. All of my other neighbours realising the seriousness of the situation all also bought guns and baracaded their homes so no-one could ever steal from them.
I know that this war against stealing is far from over, ive seen people in the supermarket looking at my trolley when I have my back turned, but I think that I speak for all my neighbours in saying that we are fighting for freedom, and as the teachings of our christian religion say, the way to true freedom and enlightenment is to massacre any fucker who might at some point speak to someone who once said something nasty about you.

Sound stupid doesn't it ????

2004-01-01T03:04:00.000Z

its 2004

yippee.... so ive been thinking about 2003 and what i want for 2004

2003 was shit, i look back and apart from johnny wilkinson winning us the world cup there isn't a lot to be happy about. ive been watching tv and jools holland was talking to various celebs and asking them about 2003 and the best they could come up with was babies and careers, because on a wider scale 2003 was all about war.

in years to come, you can talk to your children and (hopefully) grandchildren and they may ask you " what was the united nations?" and you can answer "the Un was a league of nations, a group of people who understood that the will and good of the many sometimes outweighs that of the few, where countries that hate what other countries stand for, can have dialogue, in short the future of our planet, but they disagreed with the americans so the yanks destroyed them".

In 2003 we went to war, why?, well that depends on which day you watched the news, a watershed has been created, the rubicon has been crossed, we caught the government lying, but unlike watergate, they didn't resign, apparently we simply misunderstood what they said. so happy new year, and at least one thing is for sure, if there is another war this year, the tv coverage will be excellent.

2003-12-28T00:25:00.000Z

my triumph of finding my new tshirt - shortlived, my neighbour outshines my new garment with his flock wallpaper effect "ruby murray" curry house chic tshirt.

I mean what are the chances of that???, couldn't he have waited just one day before eclipsing my sartorial elegance with his pithy northern humour???. i dont know why i bother..........................

2003-12-28T00:05:00.000Z

So that's Christmas over and done with, didn't notice any great increase in the amounts of peace and understanding going on, but hey, as long as thay tell me its happening on telly I guess it must be true.

im now finding myself in the limbo that is "after Christmas before new year" - haven't got to go to work, recovering from excessive food and alcohol intake, waiting to repeat said overindulgence for new years. I think there should be some sort of samaritans type helpline for this period of the year, im almost certain that the increase in suicide over the holiday period is in no small part due to the boredom of the 27th-30th of December, after all there are only so many black and white "classic" movies you can take before death becomes an attractive option.

Sales - what a wheeze, nothing quite like being herded into an overcrowded shop to buy the shit no-one wanted earlier on in the year, but stick a 20% off sticker on it and its suddenly catwalk chic!!!, I especially liked the fact that people were queuing in the rain to get into shops with their "up to (tiny writing) 50% off (fucking huge writing)" signs in the window, I would love to find the shop that they actually charge the "pre-reduction" prices in, you can just imagine it "honey ive found this lovely jumper, only 197 pounds 27 pence!!!!!" - pairs of socks at a tenner a pop.

I did however succumb to a bit of shopping - and returned triumphantly with a top bollocks tshirt from a company I will now proceed to shamelessly plug. it reads "aburrido de los beckhams" - bored of the beckhams ,have a look at www.boredofthebeckhams.com. not only a good tshirt but a fantastic sentiment.

2003-12-18T22:31:00.000Z

The internet - the future of modern civilization.....

or somewhere that wankers can set up companies and offer piss-poor service, safe in the knowledge that their customers cannot find them and skull-fuck them ???

i constantly preach to my non-net friends about how i saved 30 quid on my new printer and get dvds for 8 quid a pop on ebay, however i didnt mention the fact that the dvd player i ordered for a friend last christmas (dec the 6th to be exact) didn't turn up until the 6th of jan, dispite a guaranteed xmas delivery if ordered before 16th dec.

So today when i called up to find out where my vegan chocolates (dont ask) were when i ordered them 11 days ago, i recieved a very apologetic "we have a bit of a backlog"- now i work in a service industry where people will call in on a whim and expect you to be able to tell them everything about a mortgage set up 15 years ago even if its saturday lunchtime and there is a queue out the door. Im sure if i replied " i can get that information for you a week next friday" i would get a foot up my arse.

So here are steves tips for a "succesful" web based company

1) Think of a cool name - this should take up approximately 85% of all pre-launch planning time.

2) Put lots of funky pictures on your web site and make sure the typeset is PERFECT - This should take up about 90% of your budget

3) Make sure you get the correct Customer Service / Sales staff ratios, anything from 1/50 and 1/5000 should do the trick, (advanced users should hire customer service staff with a very poor grasp of english for extra marks)

4) Advertise a variety of goods in such a way as to make comparison difficult, ie different model variations - "So Honey is the Wankstar 3000dsgr(fx)i the same as the Wankstar 3000dsgr(dx)i ????????" - and remember to use slightly blurred generic pictures.

5) Make sure that your customer helplines are only open during office hours and if possible arrange for them to be engaged for large periods of the day.

6) Finally, dont worry about matching your dispatch department to the volume of orders recieved, if you build up an enormous backlog, fuck it, its not as if the customer can actualy complain face to face.

so there you go, the secret insider tips into running a shoddy web based company and still making loads of cash.

Next week, how to make unambiguous, in writing, plain english manifesto promises and still get away with dumping them the second you get into power.( and keep on doing it again and again)

oh and a customer brought me in a bottle of Smirnoff for Xmas.....coool.

Steve xx

2003-12-16T20:08:00.000Z

in view of the current troubled times and world situation i thought id better clarify exactly what i meant by the word "better".

Im going for the old fashioned version of the word, as in i had a headache but have taken a painkiller and now feel much better.

rather than the more recent form of the word

These poor people struggled under the yoke of an evil dictator, but now we have dropped cluster bombs on them, their lives are now much better

just thought id better clear that one up.

Steve

2003-12-16T19:49:00.000Z

In an attempt to put my thoughts into some sort of order I have decided to write down what I have achieved today.................I am now looking a visual representation of Cliff Richards sex life, nothing, nada, rien, not a fucking sausage . So apart from earning enough money (after taxes) to pay Saddam Hussein's barbers bill for the last six months, why do I do it???.

A very good question for which I have no good answer, so I'll ask the audience Chris, try it on for size, whats your piece of paper look like??, if like me you drew a blank then how about this, make sure that tomorrow you do something that you can write down, anything, buy your wife some flowers, call up your grandparents for a chat, give blood, put a pound in a charity box, anything, no matter how small that will make someone else's day a bit brighter.

So ends Steve's sermon Amen

2003-12-15T22:38:00.000Z

Right, im sitting comfortably, my seat is in the upright position and ive read the safety card. Time to embark on my first foray into blogging. So what's it like living in my head???, my job provides me with the wierdest moments and also the most mundane ones, I work in a bank, infact I am a bank manager, now this used to mean that I could sit in a big chair and dish out mortgages with a Caesar-esque point of my thumb, nowadays it means that I have to eat shit and smile just like everyone else, but I also get to apologise when any member of my team fucks up.

Next time you go to the bank, do something stupid like sign your name in the "do not sign here" section on a form or ask how to spell Tuesday or what 10 plus 10 is and you will receive the same response a smile and an answer or a "don't worry everyone does/asks that". I spend my day talking to idiots who have somehow avoided natural selection by the skin of their teeth and bumble around talking down to people because they have a few thousand quid in the bank. Im sorry, am I supposed to be impressed, ive got 50 grand in the safe, I have seen money before. Its a bit like pulling up outside a car showroom in an H reg mondeo and expecting the salesmen to be impressed................ Cocks!!.... I have produced a short list of my pet customer hates.

1) Stupid people - these are the people who take up hours of your time asking questions they read in the money section of the Sun, then after 45 minutes ask you a question that proves they haven't understood a fucking thing you have said - bless them

2) "Rich people" - people who have dropped lucky and got a few grand together and constantly moan about interest rates or the stock market, but in actual fact never spend any of their money and just leave it there for years at a time - hurry up and die so your kids can spend it. ( I once had three brothers in the bank at 11.00 am with their mothers death certificate wanting to draw the money out when she had died the night before!!!!! )

3) Smelly people - this always baffles me, if im out working in the garden on a hot day or ive been playing cricket I start to smell bad, this upsets me and I wash. sounds simple doesn't it ??, well not for these people, I can understand some people who don't look after themselves very well getting a bit ripe, but I still consider it a red flag moment if someone actually pisses or shits themselves, this should really lead to some form of thought process along the lines of....Oh dear ive shit myself, better have a wash. but no, actually what happens is......Oh dear ive shit myself, id better go to town and pop into the bank then ask pointless questions for 5 minutes. - ( I once sat across from an old lady who, in the middle of a conversation simply stood up and walked off, leaving me with a chair soaked in piss and a smell like the devils bell end. )

4) Doleys - now this really pisses me off, people who come in and say "has my money come in yet???", meaning of course has the money that the government has taken out of my hard earned to subsidise lazy cunts to have kids, steal things and watch day time telly come in?. If its a day late they will then tell you how terrible it is and then they will draw out 50 quid for booze and fags and pop into lunn poly to look at brochures for their next holiday. Now don't get me wrong, benefits are there for a good reason but people take the piss, personally I think anyone who is off work for longer than 12 months should be given a fucking job and if they don't like it they can starve. - I don't expect other people to subsidise me so why should I pay them??

that enough spleen venting for now, if you are in any of the above categories, have a wash, get a job, get a life and spend your money.

Steve supreme xx

2003-12-15T22:10:00.000Z

first post.............like a first date..........without the hard on..............honest